Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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