Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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