im about as happy as oj after his trial
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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