Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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