I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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