i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
