Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
