in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
