So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
