I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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