you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
