god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize