She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
