I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We were destined to go to rehab together
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
