mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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