I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
