I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
