There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
