I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
