I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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