I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize