I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
