You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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