my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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