Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i will never coherently bang her
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
