Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
