Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
