so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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