You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
