When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
