We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize