I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
