just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
