So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
