Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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