I puked a lego.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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