Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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