youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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