I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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