totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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