my phone needs a breathalizer
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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