You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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