Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
