Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize