I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
