I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We got so high we made milksteak
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
