He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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