The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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