i think my tv is drunk
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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