So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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