Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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