thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize