Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My breath smells like gin and sadness
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
