I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
