tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize