Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
