you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
