i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
