My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
