I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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